When giving love turns into caretaking.

I am a hopeless romantic. When I love someone, I go all out. I am probably the most loyal person you know. I hate to see people I love suffer and I would jump in to carry their burden in a second. After reading this, you can safely assume that this mindset has set me on a path of being a caretaker, a rescuer. The line between healthy loving and care-taking is very very thin in my world. It took me a very long time to even realize this and I only started dealing with this last year and it is work every. single. day. 

This pattern is very easy to fall into.  

I feel like many women are like me. My mom is. Many of my girlfriends are too. We are natural caretakers to begin with. That's why it took me so long to even realize that how I was expressing my love wasn't right. Everytime I mentioned the arguments I was having with my exes, it always looked like I was right. I heard:

"you were just trying to help!"
"without you, he wouldn't be able to do anything anyway, he should thank you"
"you raise him up so much, and he is acting like that?". 

Except here is the deal: no one has ever asked me to raise them up. And I thought at first it was because I simply beat them to the punch by offering before they asked.

So I have put myself in long term relationships in which I was carrying all the weight and my boyfriends let me. I attracted the kind of men who needed more of a mother than a girlfriend, and I fell right for it multiple times. I was needed. So if I was needed, I was loved. And then I got frustrated.

The frustration and feeling let down are brutal

It's pretty simple to explain: you give, give, and give.
And they take, take, take. 
But you don't receive, receive, receive (or at least, not with the intensity you want). 

So you get bitter. You feel unloved, unvalued, taken for granted. Then you receive a tiny thing back from your partner . Hope rises, and you give it back x12 . And off you go with the same circle. Until you hear the nasty "I never asked you to do that" or "I will never change that". 

I was so damn lucky to bump into my current partner and future husband. He is the kind of man who gives in a healthy way, not in a "let me clean your shoes and give you my watch" way. He is not the kind of man who will take my caretaking because it is convenient to have someone do everything for you.

Don't get me wrong, this wasn't easy to implement in my system. It's led to bad arguments, to uncertainty, and hurt.

But it made me realize what I was doing and how much I needed to break this pattern for my own well-being and my relationship.

Like I wrote previously, I am still dealing with this on a daily basis, and sometimes I hit a wall, especially when I don't really feel good about myself for whatever reason. I will give extra hard, in hopes to get some back to make me feel better. To feel like I am loved. And if I don't get it, I will question everything. Does he love me? Does he even care? What can I do to make him love me right now? What if he leaves me? Why isn't he giving me attention? 

And the list goes on. At some point, I even felt like a junky withdrawing from cocaine because I didn't get from him what I thought he should give me. And honestly, I am done with this.

if you have recognized yourself in anything here, let me share with you the reminders I tell myself when I am about to spiral again.

Erasing yourself won't give you more love.

Bending over backwards to please the other person will not make them give you more love. I have dropped plans to be with my partners. I have scheduled everything in my life around them, to be convenient, only to be disappointed as hell when they don't do it for me. I am not saying that we shouldn't compromise of course, but compromise comes for both sides, not just me. Being my own person is definitely way healthier for me, but also for my partner. I personally would be very bored with my partner was just a yes-man and letting me take the reins constantly.

Life is not a rom-com. 

I have always been a sucker for romantic movies and books. Those grand gestures, running under the rain to declare your love, rose petals in the wind, and kissing in slow-mo are my jam. My parents met in a crazy romantic way and I thought this was the token for the Relationship with a big R.

Except real life is not like that. A simple "I love you" before going to work is way more common than a big-ass gesture. So I am learning to notice all of the little proofs of love I am given on a daily basis, instead of feeling terrible because I haven't received a serenade in a while. 

You can accept love and not return it multiplied by 12.

My fiancé is the first man ever who has shown me love clearly, from our early days. I was so happy, I thought "this is it, I figured it all out" and I wanted more and more everyday. But my caretaking side took over, and I gave it back in such an intense way, it led him to feel smothered, and me to feel incredibly sad and misunderstood. Isn't it ironic how something with such a nice intention ends up making it so much worse?

So, now, if the love bug stings me and I am about to write a love novel, I wait and hold on to it rather than sending it right away. If I still feel like sharing later, I will, but the energy will have gone down to a more balanced level.

You gotta give yourself the love rather than counting on others to fill that void. 

You can only control your behaviour. Other people are not responsible for making you feel better, you are, they can only add an extra lovely layer to your solid foundation. Give yourself a hug and take yourself on a date my friend, you need to reconnect with your own company for a bit. 

Be kind and patient with yourself.

When I fall into this rabbit hole again, I feel like shit. I failed me, I failed my partner. What's wrong with me, how can I fix me? I am trying to apply my intense care-taking on me, which is obviously counter productive. Now, I am just trying to accept this is how I feel, that I don't need to do anything at the moment because it will go away. I don't need to find the "WHY" I am doing this again. My feelings don't define who I am, they are just passing through. Even better, there is NOTHING that needs fixing with me. Just improvements. And it takes time to improve something. The good news? It is only up from here. 

Working on yourself is not given to everyone. Many people who rather stay in their victim position, stuck in their patterns, and blame others for everything. So if like me, you have taken the decision to evolve into YOU 2.0, I am high-fiving you hard. You got this, one step at a time. 

And if you need extra guidance, our Limitless Program could be a great opportunity for you, make sure to check it out here.

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How facing your body image can help your personal growth

While the personal development and body-positivity movements are growing everywhere online, rare are the people truly at peace with their bodies. Hell, can we even be comfortable with how we look 100% of the time? We don't think so. But for some of us, it gets to a level of maximum ignorance. You dodge mirrors as much as possible, you don't "waste time" putting thoughts into your looks, after all, you have other mountains to conquer, you want to grow, and that happens in the mind right?

But what if we told you that no matter how much work you put into climbing those mountains, you will end up stuck at some point in your growth, your search of happiness, if you don't connect with your body?

If you want to feel completely fulfilled, you will have to also prioritize your connection with your body. No need to read a zillion miracle morning books and start random routines just yet if you can't face yourself to begin with. 

Do you recognize yourself in one or more of the following situations:

Avoiding your reflection

You're a master at avoiding to look at any type of reflection in your everyday life. Mirrors are just a practical thing for you to make sure you have nothing stuck in your teeth, but it doesn't go beyond. Frankly, it just makes you uncomfortable to look at yourself, so just like an ostrich, you would rather dig your head in the sand rather than having to deal with our own image.

You look, but it just makes you sad. 

Nothing is good enough with you. You're not this enough, or too much of that. Maybe you are even ashamed, or embarrassed about your physical appearance. You spend your time comparing yourself to others or even older versions of yourself.  

Worrying too much about your appearance is just superficial or even narcissistic.

Looks are not everything, you don't need to impress anyone after all. Overall, you think you are pretty neutral about your appearance. You do the bare minimum because you have to, but that's pretty much it. 

Let's be honest: if you are not facing your own image and simply looking at yourself, it's not because it's so much fun like a day in the park. You're avoiding it because it hurts to do so. 

So if any of these situations speak to you, it is time to change.

What happens if you don't connect with your body:

Can you grow? Yes. You can start setting yourself up for whatever you wish you to become or do. But here is the catch: you can only grow to a certain extent and you will get stuck at some point. 

To break it down easily, if you are not literally facing yourself because any situation stated above and if you are not taking the time to make peace with your body, you are telling yourself that on some level, that you are just not good enough or not worth it. This often happens completely unconsciously, which makes it even more sneakier. And what happens when we think we are not good enough? We deny ourselves opportunities because we don't believe we will be up for them anyway. 

In conclusion, by not connecting with your body, you are setting limiting beliefs for yourself. Again, that can be completely unconscious. 

Time to get real (you can do this!)

Let's rip off the band-aid right here: you can't avoid yourself forever. You only have one body carrying you through life and you are responsible for it. If you tend to be negative about it, it will make you pay one way or another. Plenty of studies have shown that negativity directed towards yourself and your body can lead to health risks in the long term. Better start giving yourself some lovin'! 

When you look good, you feel good.

While some of us think it is superficial to focus on your looks, we think there is a lot of untapped power by not doing so. Wearing your favourite clothes, getting dolled up, taking care of your skin, moving your body… all of these create a powerful feeling of being unstoppable. Why not tap into that as much as we can? Don't forget, this is about YOU, not others. All of the decisions regarding your preferred options about your appearance belong only to you.

You don't have to impress anyone. 

That is true, but you should try impress yourself. Taking care of your relation with your body and taking actions for it should not be about other people. It should be for your own sake, to your own standards. And even more so, you should create your own validation and not depend on others. I had a very poor sense of self-worth until the first time I fell in love. My boyfriend back in the day saw what I couldn't see: that I am a freaking beautiful person. I was over the moon until the relationship ended. All of that self-worth built through this left with him and I had to start again from square one. It took me a heartbreak to start building my self-worth by myself, for myself. Validation from others is a temporary good feeling, it doesn't stick. At the end of the day, you are the person you spend the most time with.

You are not alone

• Raise your hand if you have ever looked at old pictures of yourself and thought "wow, I thought I was so much fatter/thinner back then that I actually was!". 

• Keep your hand up if you have ever heard coming from others that you are not seeing yourself the way you really are.

• Don't get a cramp, but hold that hand high if you have ever beaten yourself up over flaws you think you have, beyond rationality.

Well, welcome to the club of body-dysmorphia: being incapable of visually seeing your body the way it actually is. For some of us, it can become obsessive and very challenging in life. We strongly suggest to read this article if you think you may suffer from body-dysmorphia. 

Learning to embrace who you fully are is the best gift you can ever give to yourself. 

This is how you develop your own trust and how you stand up for yourself. You owe it to yourself to create the path towards who you want to become.

Take some time to reflect, be grateful for this body of yours, supporting you everyday. Nourish and strengthen it the way it needs. You will see that it will remove SO many blocks you didn't even know you had, and make more room for all of these beautiful ideas hidden in the back. And if you need a little bit of help, we are here for you…

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