I am a hopeless romantic. When I love someone, I go all out. I am probably the most loyal person you know. I hate to see people I love suffer and I would jump in to carry their burden in a second. After reading this, you can safely assume that this mindset has set me on a path of being a caretaker, a rescuer. The line between healthy loving and care-taking is very very thin in my world. It took me a very long time to even realize this and I only started dealing with this last year and it is work every. single. day.
This pattern is very easy to fall into.
I feel like many women are like me. My mom is. Many of my girlfriends are too. We are natural caretakers to begin with. That's why it took me so long to even realize that how I was expressing my love wasn't right. Everytime I mentioned the arguments I was having with my exes, it always looked like I was right. I heard:
"you were just trying to help!"
"without you, he wouldn't be able to do anything anyway, he should thank you"
"you raise him up so much, and he is acting like that?".
Except here is the deal: no one has ever asked me to raise them up. And I thought at first it was because I simply beat them to the punch by offering before they asked.
So I have put myself in long term relationships in which I was carrying all the weight and my boyfriends let me. I attracted the kind of men who needed more of a mother than a girlfriend, and I fell right for it multiple times. I was needed. So if I was needed, I was loved. And then I got frustrated.
The frustration and feeling let down are brutal
It's pretty simple to explain: you give, give, and give.
And they take, take, take.
But you don't receive, receive, receive (or at least, not with the intensity you want).
So you get bitter. You feel unloved, unvalued, taken for granted. Then you receive a tiny thing back from your partner . Hope rises, and you give it back x12 . And off you go with the same circle. Until you hear the nasty "I never asked you to do that" or "I will never change that".
I was so damn lucky to bump into my current partner and future husband. He is the kind of man who gives in a healthy way, not in a "let me clean your shoes and give you my watch" way. He is not the kind of man who will take my caretaking because it is convenient to have someone do everything for you.
Don't get me wrong, this wasn't easy to implement in my system. It's led to bad arguments, to uncertainty, and hurt.
But it made me realize what I was doing and how much I needed to break this pattern for my own well-being and my relationship.
Like I wrote previously, I am still dealing with this on a daily basis, and sometimes I hit a wall, especially when I don't really feel good about myself for whatever reason. I will give extra hard, in hopes to get some back to make me feel better. To feel like I am loved. And if I don't get it, I will question everything. Does he love me? Does he even care? What can I do to make him love me right now? What if he leaves me? Why isn't he giving me attention?
And the list goes on. At some point, I even felt like a junky withdrawing from cocaine because I didn't get from him what I thought he should give me. And honestly, I am done with this.
if you have recognized yourself in anything here, let me share with you the reminders I tell myself when I am about to spiral again.
Erasing yourself won't give you more love.
Bending over backwards to please the other person will not make them give you more love. I have dropped plans to be with my partners. I have scheduled everything in my life around them, to be convenient, only to be disappointed as hell when they don't do it for me. I am not saying that we shouldn't compromise of course, but compromise comes for both sides, not just me. Being my own person is definitely way healthier for me, but also for my partner. I personally would be very bored with my partner was just a yes-man and letting me take the reins constantly.
Life is not a rom-com.
I have always been a sucker for romantic movies and books. Those grand gestures, running under the rain to declare your love, rose petals in the wind, and kissing in slow-mo are my jam. My parents met in a crazy romantic way and I thought this was the token for the Relationship with a big R.
Except real life is not like that. A simple "I love you" before going to work is way more common than a big-ass gesture. So I am learning to notice all of the little proofs of love I am given on a daily basis, instead of feeling terrible because I haven't received a serenade in a while.
You can accept love and not return it multiplied by 12.
My fiancé is the first man ever who has shown me love clearly, from our early days. I was so happy, I thought "this is it, I figured it all out" and I wanted more and more everyday. But my caretaking side took over, and I gave it back in such an intense way, it led him to feel smothered, and me to feel incredibly sad and misunderstood. Isn't it ironic how something with such a nice intention ends up making it so much worse?
So, now, if the love bug stings me and I am about to write a love novel, I wait and hold on to it rather than sending it right away. If I still feel like sharing later, I will, but the energy will have gone down to a more balanced level.
You gotta give yourself the love rather than counting on others to fill that void.
You can only control your behaviour. Other people are not responsible for making you feel better, you are, they can only add an extra lovely layer to your solid foundation. Give yourself a hug and take yourself on a date my friend, you need to reconnect with your own company for a bit.
Be kind and patient with yourself.
When I fall into this rabbit hole again, I feel like shit. I failed me, I failed my partner. What's wrong with me, how can I fix me? I am trying to apply my intense care-taking on me, which is obviously counter productive. Now, I am just trying to accept this is how I feel, that I don't need to do anything at the moment because it will go away. I don't need to find the "WHY" I am doing this again. My feelings don't define who I am, they are just passing through. Even better, there is NOTHING that needs fixing with me. Just improvements. And it takes time to improve something. The good news? It is only up from here.