How tantric sex coach Pamela Horner reclaimed her power - Scandaleuse X Shedoesthecity

Let us introduce you to the powerful Pamela Horner, a Tantric Sexual Empowerment Coach who wants to help people have “epic orgasms” (put your hands up you wanna learn… we sure do!).

This article is part of our collaboration with She Does The City & Womanizer, in which we help them feature fierce AF womxn in boudoir photo shoots.

“As a woman in recovery for sexual trauma, Pamela’s journey to get to where she is today is both harrowing and inspiring. She has spent a lot of time healing from her past, and now directs her energy to helping other people reclaim their sexuality.

”I made it my mission to help people reclaim their inner God/Goddess in order to own their power and pleasure.” 

The work she does with clients help them gain confidence in all facets of their lives.

Gorgeous is one word we’d use to describe Pamela’s photos, but they also exude a warm and peaceful energy—a sense of ease. A fascinating person with a generous heart, we were curious to get to know Pamela more…

How would you describe your sexuality?

I would describe my sexuality as bi-sexual.

How did you reclaim your power?

I discovered that sexual power was the key to feeling alive, confident, magical, and it even helped me make money. When I figured out how to use this power for good, to help people reawaken their most shamed, neglected lost parts, everything started to transform not only for me, for my clients as well.

I literally went from wanting to end my life, feeling numb, worthless and empty to feeling powerful, magical, radiant and influential, able to command the love, relationships and income that I desired. 

What is tantric sex, exactly?

Tantra is about connection and presence… it isn’t inherently about sex, but its teachings allow you to see and experience deep pleasure in the present moment and transmit that feeling to another, if you so choose. It helps you to reconnect to deeper levels of bliss.

Sounds amazing, how do you help people get there? 

I help people step into their power through one on one coaching. Everyone is born powerful, but along the way we receive messages that we are ‘less than’. We can fake confidence for most of the time, but in heightened states of vulnerability—like sex—there is nowhere to hide. This is where a lack of power can show up as a lack of arousal, or not being able to ask for what you want—feeling unfulfilled, or even uninterested in pleasure. 

I truly believe that the reason that people don’t have the love, money, or pleasure that they want is because their mind and nervous system believe that it is unsafe for them to expand beyond what is familiar. This is really deep work but when you are able to access the primal self, diving into the deepest level of your unconscious mind, you can experience radical change in your life.

What types of people do you help through your Tantric Sexual Empowerment coaching?

My clients are typically successful entrepreneurs that know they are destined for so much more. They’ve had moments of being so close only to find that there is something they are missing… that something is the connection to their deepest most hypnotic power – sexual power.

What advice do you wish to give your younger self?

As long as you are trying to seek approval, you will never taste true power. True power exists within you and you have always had it.

Happiness, desire, pleasure and delightful deviousness are all a part of your true essence. The only way to hold onto these things is by diving into yourself, getting to know yourself, and understanding that loving yourself is not something anyone would ever look back on and say “I wish I didn’t do that”.

Also, I love you, you are a fierce fucking warrior Goddess and you are here to turn the world on.”

Curious to learn more about Pamela? Follow her on Instagram at @theawakenedaphrodite. See more of our Womanizer x Sheoesthecity boudoir shoots here.“.

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Boredom is a state of mind

We are in a stage of the quarantine that is getting harder and harder on people's spirit. I see that through social media and the conversations I have with friends and family: it is pretty easy to feel trapped and see our home as a cage. Most of us are bored and staying home is getting on our nerves.

Can you guess what happens when we feel this way?

We leash out, get easily angry (and hungry but that is another story!) and are in search for drama. We look for people to put the blame on and we let our frustration and anger control our behaviour. We focus on how the situation is affecting us and forget that we all are in this together. This is how most of the little “online wars” are created, sometimes with the worst intention, sometimes just to make people laugh:

• Pressure is put on people when saying we have to take this quarantine as an opportunity to learn something new.

• Jokes on getting fat from staying home are created without thinking it can hurt people who might be in this situation.

• Critics are done on women who decide to show their body on social media, because this is their way to feel better about themselves (actually, my bad, this happens all the time!).

We are in a fragile and unstable time, we can easily go from fighting this all together as a community, to becoming selfish and creating a civil war.

So what if, instead of letting our emotions control our actions, we focus on passing time in an healthier way?

But I'm so bored!

Hey pssst, come closer, we have a secret to share…

Boredom is a state of mind.

It is difficult to believe there is nothing for us to learn, create or share. Let's be honest here, most of us can easily find some suff to do! We are lucky to live in an era where technology is 100% part of our life, so unless you don't have access to internet, many activities are accessible online. If internet, for X reasons, isn't an option for you, there are still books you can read, creative activities you can start and games you can play (remember when we were kids and used to have fun with almost everything?).

By the way, sometimes it feels good to not do anything. If you just feel like sitting on a chair and contemplate life through your window with a cup of hot coffee or a glass of wine, then you should do it. Never blame yourself and feel guilty for doing something simple. As long as it makes you happy (and you are not hurting anyone) this is the most important!

The problem isn't related to inaccessible activities, it is just a lack of motivation!

Mindset, one more time, is the key.

If nothing around you motivates you, it's probably because there is something going on with your emotions: maybe you feel lonely, maybe you are frustrated or sad... It might be a good idea then to dig deeper and figure out why you feel the way you feel at that moment.

It is normal and totally ok to not feel awesome 100% of the time. Negative feelings are actually a way to realign with ourselves to get closer to the person we wanna be. They are here to tell us that something in our life isn't right for us and needs to be improved. But it is also important to not let those feelings completely absorb our light and positivity, neither to let them drag us down. This why it is essential to understand where they come from, so we can “fix” the problem and bring back happiness. The goal is simply to feel better.

We assure you that if you feel happy, you will find something YOU WANT TO DO!

Don't forget to have fun!

Movement is a great way to help being motivated… So we have one word for you: MUSIC. Yeah you got it right, put some tunes on and dance! Music is an universal language, everybody react to it. Even some animals have the ability to understand and move on the waves when certain types of melody are played. There is a great show on Netflix called “Explained”, one episode talks about that and it's super interesting!

Alright! Now that the motivation is back, here is a list of different activities you can do at home:

• Build a card castle or a fort… Or a fort made out of cards!

• Parkour! with your furniture (don't get too crazy there though, you don't wanna end up at the hospital).

• Try the OH NA NA NA challenge if you don't live alone.

• Redecorate your home.

• Practice handstands.

• Organize a short balcony party with your neighbours like those crazy Italian people (those guys are awesome!).

• Grow new veggies from veggies you bought at the supermarket.

• And of course the classics such as cooking, reading, learning, working out, meditate or watching everything Netflix has to offer.

You will always find something to do that makes you happy as long as you feel at peace with yourself.

Be patient, we will all go through this experience even stronger than we were before. But we have to stick together and be more mindful of others. If this situation is too hard on your mental, don't hesitate to talk and share how you feel with people who love you.

You are not alone!

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Covid 19 - Our opinion about all of that madness

Between freaking out a little, bringing new ideas to life and reorganizing ourselves, we haven't really had the time to give you our opinion about the madness happening in our world right now. It is a scary situation that is going to change our entire economy and not knowing what to expect and when it will get better is probably the hardest part of it…

But we believe it will be for the best.

When it all started

We are not gonna lie, when we realized we would not be able to offer boudoir shoots for a while, the idea of a potential quarantine was like a slap in the face. We were not stressed out because of the virus, neither the fear of loneliness but by the lack of income… It is crazy how money can make people jump from happiness to depression in a really short amount of time! We got sad, tired, cranky and filled with negative thoughts (I even had a panic attack on my balcony one night!).

It felt like all of those years building Scandaleuse Photography was gonna end up in the garbage, like this beautiful adventure was all for nothing. We understood then how Rick Grimes and his friends must have been feeling in their zombie apocalypse and how, like them, we will have to improve our survival skills in order to stay alive…

Yeah we agree, it's a bit too dramatic but this is how negativity can make you feel sometimes!

There is always sun above the clouds

We HAD to change our way of thinking, so we rented a car, packed our bags and went to nature for a couple of days to relax, strategize and refocus. This was what we needed, we even met a man who was very spiritual and who helped us to see things in a clearer way (he also cooked delicious breakfasts for us and we all know food is the perfect remedy against sadness).

When we came back to Toronto with a lighter mind and heart, it was easier to switch our mindset in a positive way: we brainstormed about new ideas for the business, how to make online income and reminded ourselves that we are young healthy people with a roof over our heads, so it could have been a lot worse!

Call us naive or utopian if you want, but we also decided to believe this situation is a actually a blessing in disguise.

Our world is changing

Humans are smart.

All of us are! We are a resourceful specie who can adapt to any situation and we are lucky to be living in a time where technology is a big part of our lifestyle. There is so much we can do if we decide to see outside of the box and open our mind to new ideas. It's a matter of taking action and surrounding yourself (well virtually for now) with people who impact your life in a positive way.

Look at how people are being creative and taking control of the situation! It did not take long to see the solidarity and faith we are building between businesses and communities: being forced to be appart is actually bringing us closer to each other.

If like us you care about our planet, you will agree when we say this situation is also having a positive impact on the environment (beside the single use products that are unfortunately coming back): pollution is decreasing, some animals are coming back where they belong… It's making us understand that we need to go back to a more natural and healthier way of living.

In a nutshell, it's teaching us what is essential in life and how to be happy with less than we think we need.

It is time to focus on you

Before everything happened, we always complained we didn’t have enough time because we were all busy working our butts off. Well, see this situation as the perfect opportunity to take time for yourself: you do not have excuses anymore to push back your projects and own growth.

Don't roll your eyes, we all find excuses, Juliette and I included :)

We have access to so many useful online ressources like books, classes, podcasts, movies… So it should be easy to finally learn that new language you always wanted to speak, write this book that have been at the back of your mind for so long or launch your online cooking classes you have been working on. Boredom is a negative feeling that can easily be transformed if you feel at peace with yourself.

Stop stopping yourself and give it a try (what do you have to lose anyway?)!

You are not alone

It is not because we are in quarantine that we have to be alone: get to know those people you have interest in. Simply send them a message and start a conversation. You might be surprised to see that you can still create friendships.

If social distancing is getting to hard to deal with and you start to feel lonely, then organize virtual drink dates with your friends, dance parties, books reading… whatever group activities that can make have some fun.

Remember that you are loved and have people around you who are here when you feel lonely, scared and stressed. You just have to reach out to them.

And to us! We are here for you as well.

The goal of this article is not to tell you what to do and how you should react. We all have different ways to deal with stressful situations and make ourselves feel better. We just want to bring some sunshine and hope and let you know that you will be ok: you are strong enough to adapt and change your lifestyle, so you can keep building that awesome life you deserve!

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How & When To Change Your Life

We all want to be Happy. To not have any regrets. To feel at peace with ourselves, feel accomplished and fulfilled. It sounds so simple, doesn't it?  So why do we struggle to actually reach it? 

Here is a little test for you, answer honestly and from the heart!

Have you ever compared yourself to others, or wish for what you don't have?

Have you ever felt like you were too old to change, or that you've invested yourself in a lifestyle or career that doesn't feel right for you but the thought of quitting it sounds unrealistic because you have been at it for so long?

Have you ever felt like you were just being a spoiled brat because you match the pretty checkboxes of what success is supposed to be on paper, so you really shouldn't complain?

If any of these resonates with you, it is time for you to read the following:

We have this lame habit of creating obstacles on our own paths. Sometimes unconsciously because we are conditioned to. Sometimes out of fear and doubts. But here is the truth:

We already have all the tools we need to create our own happiness. You, us. Everyone. And it is just a matter of choosing them and learning how to use them.

Now read that again. 

Your age doesn't matter. The time invested in your current path doesn't matter either.

We have met women in their 50's who have drastically changed their lives. We have had clients who opened their dream businesses because they decided to silence their inner fear. We have a friend who is 75 and decided his age will not be a limit to his dreams. 

You know what they all say? "I should have done this sooner". 

The minute you stop ignoring this craving for change you have deep down in your heart in order to be happier, magic happens. 

To make it work, you're gonna have to learn to listen, face your limiting beliefs and put yourself first.

What if the first step is to stop doubting yourself?

We all set expectations for ourselves on how we should be and act on a mental but also physical level. Again, due to conditioning or standards we are facing on a daily basis.

You must have this vision on how you think people see you, and maybe you even create a certain pressure around it. And if you feel like you are not matching those expectations, you end up doubting your behaviour and choices, focus on your flaws and disregard your qualities. In conclusion: you're hitting the brakes on following your life aspirations until you "fix this".

But have you ever noticed that people seem to see you differently than you see yourself? We sure have! And it totally makes sense!

It is impossible to see ourselves from an outside perspective. To see how we talk and interact with others or how we use our body language… For example, some people can see you determined, others can see you aggressive. Maybe you look bored, or maybe you just feel particularly calm.

It can be so confusing that we end up wishing to be different and our inner voice wakes up, full of:

"I wish I were smarter!",

"I wish I could be like this person!",

"I wish my life were different!".

However, nothing is set in stone.

You are not a constant package with the same features forever and you cannot please everyone. So how about doing what feels right for YOU?

You are your most powerful asset. And you will definitely feel the happiest when you feel like your true-self and this requires making decisions despite what others might think. After all, regrets are our worst enemy, especially when we refuse to learn from them.

So how do you become the person you desire to be? How do you get in harmony with your mind but also your body? How do you gain that confidence to live the life you deserve? 

Allow yourself to ask for help

There is no magical recipe to improve yourself overnight but there are concrete ways to achieve it.

Changing is a long process that can be difficult and frustrating, especially if you do it by yourself. We believe humankind is stronger when we work together, so there is no shame to ask for help when you need it.  

With the proper expertise, tools, exercises and a strong willpower to work on yourself, you can make those changes happen faster than you think. But all of this cannot take place unless YOU ARE READY to welcome it!

You are Limitless

You are unique and we want to show you that you can do anything, that life is an ocean of opportunities and realize you do not have to follow only one path.

We want to help you tap into your potential to create your own future and follow your desires. 

This is why we created The Limitless Program. We are combining mindset consulting and boudoir photography to help you heal from the inside out by giving you the tools to elevate yourself and build the self-confidence you can apply to any area of your life.

It’s about making micro changes that result in macro differences, so you can finally become a stronger and more fulfilled version of yourself.

Through Limitless, you are saying YES to taking your life by the reins and steering yourself into the person you’ve always wanted to be.

Are you ready to live your life to the fullest?

Don't get stuck in your routine

Let me tell you a little story Scandals…

This year I wanted to improve my sensuality and build up my energy level by adding more movement into my workout. So I decided to try something that makes me really uncomfortable: DANCING. I am not talking about going to a club with my friends or dancing in front of strangers (I am always happy to dance in a silly way in front of people). I am talking about signing up for dance classes, where you have to learn a choreography. I am one of those people who sucks at dancing: no coordination whatsoever in my steps and always starting with the wrong foot. It makes me feel so self-conscious and ridiculous, get easily frustrated and usually end up by giving up after the first class. But not this time. I am stepping out of my comfort zone even tho it does not feel good yet!

Now, you might be thinking: “Why someone would push her/himself to do something that makes them feel really uncomfortable?” Well, let's see…

What is a comfort zone and why is it difficult to get out of it?

It is simply a behavioral state in which things feel familiar to a person, where their activities, habits and actions fit a routine and pattern that minimize stress and risk. They are at ease and in control of their environment. It provides them a state of mental security they benefit in certain ways: regular happiness, low anxiety, and reduced stress.

Because of bad experiences from our past or external influences (such as medias or loved ones), our mind is conditioned to be afraid of the unknown. The fear that is created from our lack of experience in certain field of life acts as a stop sign, a wall we put between us and our goals. We put ourselves in a protective mode and even tho our comfort zone feels like a little heaven for a short period of time, it can become a trap on the long run.

Why is it important to check your routine off?

Not a lot of people like to take risks or be uncomfortable. Instead we have the tendency to stay in our warm and safe bubble, away from all of the possibilities the world has to offer. We get stuck in a routine without realizing it is slowing us down from improving ourselves and moving forward in life.

Of course, we are not telling you to completely change your life or to take stupid risks. But it is important, from time to time, to get out of your comfort zone and experience life in a different way. It will creates enough positive stress to increase your curiosity and drive, will help you to respond positively to stress when unexpected events happen.

How to get out your comfort zone?

• SWITCH UP YOUR ROUTINE.

There is no reason to put too much pressure on yourself and take the risk to feel overwhelmed. Start with simple steps like: trying a new coffee shop, walking a new road to work, waking up earlier everyday… Those simple actions are the best way to slowly help you and motivate you to put one foot out of your comfort zone.

• GIVE UP CONTROL.

Let go of your insecurities by learning to trust people around you. Agree to things you wouldn’t normally consider and open your mind: we think we know better but it is just a question of perspectives.

• TRY SOMETHING NEW UNTIL YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE.

Start conversations with strangers, give compliments, learn a new skill… Most of the thing that makes us feel uncomfortable are usually the ones we are not really good at it, so whatever you choose, do not give up. Practice makes it perfect!

• MOVE TOWARD YOUR FEARS.

That is the toughest but most efficient one because it pushes you to work deeper on yourself. The feeling of fear is vital in some circumstances for our survival but it can also be irrational. When you feel afraid of something, it is usually a sign you have to fight it in order to expand your life and not miss any opportunity. Start by understanding the root of your fear than you will be able to confront it.

What do you do to get out of your comfort zone?

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PROFESSIONAL LIFE 101 | 6 tips to create an amazing collaboration

Have you ever tried to organize a party, a dinner and people rsvp'd last minute or even not at all ? You pour your heart and soul into the planning but can’t organize it because you don’t know how many people are coming? This is just one of the many examples of massive frustration. But we have a solution for you.

First of all I want to thanks those fantastic people who have worked with us and helped to achieve amazing partnerships. Thank you guys for your hard work and professionalism, You ROCK.

Sadly, this professionalism is actually quite hard to find. And it stops you from A: creating that awesome project you have in mind and B: having a solid team of people to do it.

Let's review the most common issues:

• People disappear from the face of the Earth (while updating their instagram feed)

• People reschedule all the time. (while sharing that awesome cat video on facebook)

• People cancel last minute. Like when you're already there. (With a snap like "HANGING OUT WITH BAE LOL")

Conclusion: everything ends up sucking. Hard core.

I feel like some people don’t understand the challenge behind a “simple collaboration”. They don’t take it seriously or maybe they don’t even care and don't get me started on the unpaid side of things we deal with sometimes.

Whether you are one of these people or not, we have put together a list of advice you can apply to your daily life, here, take it, it's free and you will make friends.

HERE ARE 6 TIPS TO CREATE AWESOME COLLABORATIONS :

• it all started with... a great communication

Let's face it, being honest all day everyday is not in the human nature and can even be hurtful if you don’t use the good words. 

Don't worry though, for professional collaborations, it is actually not that hard. If you want your project to work, you need to know not only your expectations but also your team's. Honesty and communication from the very beginning will build the game plan. And if you have a solid game plan, you are very likely to get outstanding results.

Pro tip: Since we don’t know intimately the people we are gonna work with, it gives us a chance to stay objective and put our ego aside, yay!

• Don’t be afraid to say “NO” if you can’t do a project.

Apparently in this case, your team members gets a higher chance to get abducted by aliens before (or even in the middle sometimes) of the project you're working on. Joke aside, it's okay to be busy. If you already know you can't make it, just say no. Promise no one will hate you, we might actually respect you more and thus we will still share cookies with you.

When we work on a collaboration.

• AN EXCELLENT ORGANIZATION is a must

If communication is the pillar in a project, organization is the white picket fence around it. The two basic skills are the following:

 1) Plan your trip in advance: Check how long it takes to go to the location, find if there are constructions on subway lines or roads, leave earlier than what GOOGLE or the GPS says. If you drive, be careful with rush hour time.

2) Come ready: Write a list (I have never been a big fan of lists but I found them very helpful, especially when I have a lot on my mind) and make sure you have everything you need before leaving.

• BE PROFESSIONAL (DUH). Even when no money is involved.

I care a lot about this point. I was telling you earlier that it’s hard to find people acting professionnal for unpaid projects. As photographers, we have worked for free a lot and we still do sometimes.  People have the feeling that if they don’t make money for their services when they do a project, there is no need to put effort on it. Wrong !!! If you chose to get on board for a collab for whatever reason, honor it. "Not Paid" doesn’t mean "Not Serious".

• BE INVOLVED. It's more fun and we ain't your mama.

Just because you didn’t start this collaboration doesn't mean you can’t be fully into it. Bring your ideas with you, new suggestions are always welcome.

Another good way to have fun in a project which is not yours, is to take initiatives. Talk to people, create contacts, ask if you can help with anything. When it’s your turn, don’t hesitate to give direction, you know what you have to do, you know your craft.

• LAST MINUTE CANCELLATION will result in a bloody nose.

Ahhh the famous last minute cancellation, a tricky subject! Life is full of surprises and sometimes, we have to deal with a change of plans. If for whatever reason you can'tmake it anymore (and it is actually a legit reason, not a "I didn't wake up this morning y'all"), don't forget other people are counting on you (looking straight at that hairstylist that didn't show up for our latest styled shoot.)

Here is what to do: either contact the project planner to advise him/her on your cancellation as soon as you know. It helps to deal with the damage control that follows.

Second, if unfortunately you have no other alternative than not showing up the day of the project, be a grown-up and find someone to replace you.

Now, you should be ready to fly from the nest, keep your pretty nose, and make new friends to create some new awesome projects. You're welcome.

are YOU coming to The Scandaleuse Soirée?

We are launching our first soirée ever on November 13th for a new service we are launching. Come party with us!