Partners and communication.
I feel very self-conscious right now to write this part because I have some of my exes following Scandaleuse and probably reading our blogs. But I cannot let out what I am about to say as it is an important part of my story and I know a lot of women will relate.
I have had around 25 partners, some were long term relationship, others were one-night stands or short terms. And I faked with all of them, I am not proud of that fact but it is the truth.
So you might wonder, did they ever noticed. Maybe some of them did, but most of them did not. And the reason is simple: I have always been good at finding stratagems to avoid talking about this lack of orgasms. Such as faking, or knowing how to make them come faster so I did not have to come at all (because most men believe that once they are done, it means you are too so they don’t even bother taking care of you).
And if you are thinking: “Fanny, it would have been healthier to simply communicate with them rather than avoiding that conversation!”. Well, every time I open up the topic with some of my partners, they took it personally, they thought that with them it would be different (men are proud creatures!). They never fully listened or tried to understand, and they ended putting more pressure on me. So most of the time I got very discouraged and I kinda gave up (which is not a solution either).
On top of that my relationship with men has always been complicated. I never fully trusted my partners, so expressing your feelings and setting boundaries up when you don’t feel comfortable with someone makes the process of communication really difficult.
Sexuality is much more than achieving orgasms
Women, are emotional beings. Our mind and body are deeply connected, so if we don't feel safe, if we are anxious, or any other reasons to not feel good in the moment, our bodies will not react positively during sex, and it gets really difficult to let go. Which can create for example lack of orgasm or pain.
Women also store most of their past trauma in their womb area which can make sexuality (especially penetrative sex) quite emotional and difficult.
Sexuality should be an act of pure pleasure and not a race for the best performance. Yes, orgasms feel amazing but we should not pressure ourselves to always achieve the grand finale (all gender included!).
Not having an orgasm doesn’t mean it wasn’t pleasurable! I wish my partners were able to understand that, instead of feeling frustrated because they did not make me come. It is something so deeply rooted in our beliefs that even a honest conversion with them did not make a difference. They simply refused to believe I had still a great time despite not having an orgasm.
Pleasure, consent, respect, and communication should be taught at school
Some people are really good at communicating to their partner how they like to be touched, or how to say NO. For other peeps it is more tricky.
I wished my sex education at school was deeper than using protection and fearing STDs. I wished they had taught us about other things that are as important like body discovery, pleasure, consent, respect, and communication. But because so many part of the sexuality are hidden from kids and teens, they use porn as their main reference (we did too), and porn is not the reality.
A better sex education would have been be game changer for many adults, it would have cut off so much shame around this subject.
Writing about this was much needed!
I haven’t published this blog yet and still feel nervous about it. The main reason why I waited so long before sharing this part of me with anyone is because I was afraid it will become a label. That people will stop seeing me as “Fanny who has a big heart and cares about the environment” and instead see me as “Fanny who cannot orgasm.” But someone told me:
“Well there is a higher chance they will see you as The Woman Who Dares To Talk About iI!”.
How powerful is that? 🤯.
I am not really giving you any solution here, because I am still searching what could work for me (but I already have an action plan - that is the business woman talking inside me). I am just hoping that if you relate to this blog it will help you in anyway possible.
By the way, here is what my action plan is if it can inspire you:
Opening my sexuality up to other genders: I always considered myself as pansexual and always thought I am interested by people rather than what they have between their legs, I just never had the opportunity to experience with another gender than cis male.
Choosing my partners better: I know what I want in my relationships so I have been “filtering” my potential lovers for a little while now. Even if it means being single for longer than usual.
Listening to my guts: We have a very strong and natural instinct that we unfortunately don’t listen to. So many times I had a little voice in my head and heart telling me to be careful because there was something weird with a person, or the situation was not right, and I chose to not listen and obviously got burnt. Well not anymore, now I am listening to my guts: if I don’t trust, I don’t go for it.
Learning to communicate better about my sexual needs: this one is hard for me, I never knew how to explain what I like or not to my partners, and I have forced myself so many times because I didn’t dare to say no or change the dynamic.
I really hope this blog will be helpful. You are not alone! Do not feel ashamed anymore or scared to talk about it with people you trust and love.
I am more than happy to talk about it publicly or privately for people who wanna have the conversation. You can reach out by email or social media 💛
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