I have never pictured myself as a mother. Don't get me wrong, I have played with baby dolls and whatnot, but I have never had this deep feeling of "I will be a mom one day". Not a lot of people believed me when I was younger, but not that I am approaching 30 and am in a relationship with a man who does not want kids either, I am taken seriously. And it feels nice. So whether you are in the same boat or not, here are some helpful reminders to guide you through your journey.
The main purpose for women is NOT to have children.
Yes, we have this super power of creating life and it's super badass. I personally think every single pregnant woman should be treated like absolute queens, because while we are all standing there, they are creating eyeballs for another being and stuff.
However, just because you have the power doesn't mean you have to use it.
We grew up thinking it was the way to go. You're a woman? You will be a mother. But that's not the case anymore.
You are not solely defined by becoming a mother. In my case, my freedom, my career and my relationships are my priorities. And if you already are a mother, it doesn't define YOU completely either. You are much more than that.
It is YOUR choice. And you don't have to justify it.
"Ha you don't know what you want yet."
"You're too young, you'll see later".
Those are the 2 main sentences I heard when I said I don't want children. And I felt like I had to bring up facts in order to explain why I made this decision. The truth is: I don't, and you don't either.
The decision is yours to make, you don't owe anyone an explanation and others need to follow.
Which leads me to a story with a doctor I have seen in the past who pissed me off (a woman too! I was blown away!). I have an ovarian cyst, the size of a golf ball. It has been monitored for over 4 years. Every 6 months, I have to endure those uncomfortable ultrasounds, blood work, and being bounced from one specialist to the other. All my male doctors have said "we are leaning towards removing it. It could damage your ovary, thus your chances to conceive. Do you want children? No? Okay. We are gonna get one extra opinion from a surgeon to make sure it is not too bad."
I remember being in this female surgeon's office, and I was pretty determined to have this cyst removed already. I was done with the medical exams, the uncertainty, and the risk of it evolving into something nasty. She asked me if I wanted children, I said no. And she said…
"I'm not doing the operation, you will change your mind"
Wait a minute. You are putting my health at risk for a decision that I already made, that doesn't concern you, just because you think I will change my mind?
I was livid. I ended up seeing a male surgeon, who will be doing the operation, no questions asked, because it is indeed best for me.
You are allowed to change your mind. And maybe you won't.
"Aaah, don't worry, you'll change your mind" is definitely in the top 3 of responses I got.
First, I am not worried, thank you.
Second, yes, we don't know how life will evolve. I may never change your mind about having children. Maybe one day, it will spark in my mind, and it will feel right by me, and my partner. But this decision is up to me and only me. And it works both ways! Maybe you want children now, and one day, you may think that actually, you don't feel it anymore. And that's okay too!
No one is allowed to put any kind of pressure (passive or active) on you for this decision. Do what feels right for you. Always.
You gotta be honest with your partner.
That is one of the suckiest parts. If you are feeling good with someone and have ignored this topic and now you are committed, you may be up for a ride.
Just like someone can't ask you to have a baby when you don't want to, you can't expect them to pass on the experience when they want to become a parent.
My previous relationship lasted 6 years. We splitted up for different reasons, but this would have been the end of us eventually, and deep down, I knew it. It was one of the first things I brought up in the early dating days with my fiance, and I am so glad I did.